In the end, everyone's looking to create a story for themselves: a comedy; an epic; a romance; possibly a tragedy. But I've realized it has to do not just with forging a life worthy of being written about, but being the one to understand -- and articulate -- the truth of your own existence. It's a complicated task that many philosophers have tried to tackle for centuries. "Why am I here?" "What is my purpose in life?" "What is the significance of me?" Questions like these are never really answered and it doesn't matter if you ever really figure out the truth, but rather how much you learn about yourself in that quest. The old adage "Life's a journey, not a destination." still holds true but very few people take it to heart.

I once had my life planned out ahead of me -- I would go to medical school; graduate at the age of 27/28; get married by 29; start a family by 30; have 1 son; 1 daughter; and 2 dogs. Slowly, as I strayed further and further from that path, I became depressed -- I was a failure in my own mind. I could tell you that one day I had a great epiphany of my purpose in this life, but I'd be lying. I still struggle to convince myself I'm not a failure. I'm still confused as to where my story starts and where it ends. I'm slowly realizing that there is more than one path I can take in life. Where will it lead me? I really don't know. Have you ever gone for a walk on a nice day to just enjoy the weather? Sometimes you don't know where it is you'll be walking but you know it'll be a great walk. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to enjoy the walk and not think about the destination. The truth of my own existence isn't any clearer but I'm slowly beginning to believe it's not as insignificant as I previously thought.

It's a nice day to go for a walk. Enjoy yourself.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yes knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

-- Frost

expectations

I await myself in the future, where I make an appointment with myself on the other side of that hour, of that day, or of that month. Anguish is the fear of not finding myself at that appointment, of no longer even wishing to be there.

Sartre

a simpler life

The Return of Twilight Conversations

Unbridled Shakyasm says:
you know what would be painful?
Unbridled Shakyasm says:
passing a stone
cristina says:
yeah
cristina says:
this idiot girl in my math class a few years ago, was passing stones
cristina says:
cause she never went to get her urinary tract infection checked out
cristina says:
and she was pissing blood
Unbridled Shakyasm says:
nice
Unbridled Shakyasm says:
very nice
cristina says:
she was so stupid
Unbridled Shakyasm says:
that could be tomorrow's lewd/gross image of the day
cristina says:
it was the easiest math class ever
cristina says:
and she was failing everything
cristina says:
could not comprehend anything
Unbridled Shakyasm says:
I wouldn't be able to comprehend anything either if I was passing stones
Unbridled Shakyasm says:
every now and then did you hear the sound of stones dropping on the ground?
Unbridled Shakyasm says:
you know...like a marble dropping and rolling around
cristina says:
hahahah

Graphic/Lewd Image of the Day

Imagine this...the after sex drip...running down your gf's leg...into her shoe...and between her toes...

Strawberries are my favourite fruit...

Cherries, apples, and peaches make my mouth itch...

I once tried a banana diet...that didn't go too well...

If I was of African descent I'd love watermelon...but I'm Asian...so I love leechee...

epiphany

You know, I could go on about how horrible this year's been for me : my grandfather died; my parents got divorced; my gf of 3 years broke up with me; and my grandmother is in the hospital -- but I won't. For awhile, what once was unbridled optimism on my part turned really sour. I've never really handled any of these problems properly -- always ignoring them and trying to forget them -- instead of dealing with them and exploring the cause of my pain and anguish. I know one of these days they'll come back to haunt me just like the ghosts of christmas haunted scrooge. I really should deal with them now but it would all be too overwhelming. For now they're out of my mind and out of my sight. I'll deal with them slowly as they resurface somewhere down the road.

Today I choose to move on with my life and to not look back with remorse or regret. I'm neither an optimist, a pessimist, or a realist. I've abandoned my faith in everything for the time being. Hopefully one day all that faith will be restored. You can call me a temporary nihilist for now. In fact, call me a temporary hedonistic nihilist. I will now follow simple rules: live life on the edge; expect nothing; regret nothing; and bring on the good times. If you ever see me at a club, say hi. I'll say hi back. Maybe we'll exchange numbers. Maybe I'll even call you. We won't make silly promises to each other. We'll just enjoy each other's company for as long as the fun lasts. It really is that simple.

searching for answers

What if you were aware things weren't right? What if I told you that three years from now, the person you once loved would have drifted away like a balloon? What would you do? Is it easier to set them free on your own terms, or is it easier to turn around one day and realize the loosely tied balloon broke free from your wrist and sailed into the sky unexpectedly? How long would you stand there and watch it drift away?

What would be worse -- being incapable of love or being unlovable? Could you live a life knowing that you hurt every single person who loved you? Could you survive knowing that all the feelings and emotions you have to offer would never be returned? What if this moment of doubt never passed?

What if I told you that I moved on; that everything we had was a vague memory; that I could barely remember your face? Would you be happy for me? Would you be sad for yourself? Would you still talk to me? What if I didn't love you anymore? Would you hate me?

How would you feel if I said I found someone else? Did you think I would sit and cry forever? Who do you think you are? Why were you so special to me? What if she was better than you? Would you all of a sudden care? Would I all of a sudden care?

What if I couldn't ask these questions? What if I never got any answers? What if I had to sit and just accept everything that happens to me as small events of a greater plan? What if I told you I was really confused? Would you hold my hand?

"Sometimes I think the people to feel the saddest for are people who are unable to connect with the profound -- people such as my boring brother-in-law, a hearty type so concerned with normality and fitting in that he eliminates any possibility of uniqueness for himself and his own personality. I wonder if some day, when he is older, he will wake up and the deeper part of him will realize that he has never allowed himself to truly exist, and he will cry with regret and shame and grief.

And then sometimes I think the people to feel saddest for are people who once knew what profoundness was, but who lost or became numb to the sensation of wonder -- people who closed the doors that lead us into the secret world -- or who had the doors closed for them by time and neglect and decisions made in times of weakness."

Douglas Coupland - Life After God - Cathy

with all their server problems...it'll soon be time to depart with blogspot...getting very annoyed and frustrated...